It is not sin that humbles most, but grace. Andrew Murray

Day of Solitude at Glen Eyrie April 10, 2013

I started at The Wall....
Sitting outside in the 32 degree cold but sunny day, I took off my glove to turn off my timer on my i-pad to end my time of silence...and then couldn't find my glove anywhere...it seemed to disappear into thin air! I searched my clothes, my bag, under me, the ground in front of me...nothing, where could it be? Quickly feeling panicky inside, my mind told me I NEED that glove, to keep me warm, comfortable.... I stood up and walked around the bench and there it was on the ground behind the bench...how in the world did it wind up there, I wondered. Then I asked myself, "Notice how you felt and why?"  I quickly feel panicky when my comfort is disturbed...I crave comfort!
O Lord, what a great place to start my time of seeing where i try to manipulate my world, the false self of pleasure rears its ugly head and is just the beginning of revealing how i try to manage myself. Another awareness is this weekend I've been comparing, "I do that (pride)" or "I don't do THAT!" (self-righteousness and judging). "I've read that book" (Sower of the Seed, Wilderness Time). "I've already had a quiet time and read Jesus Calling." "I do that in my time at mini-retreats." What am I trying to prove and to whom? That I'm spiritual, more spiritual than others? To be perfectly honest with myself,  I confess I do feel that way a lot. I do not like the feeling that comes with that, how do I let that go? Or I have a great idea, thought, insight like about where to have the retreat next year, i like to give my input...is it to gain others esteem?  I look at the quote at the bottom of my journal page and it speaks to this in me: The goal isn't perfection, it's simply to be in an intimate relationship with Jesus each day.  By one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. Hebrews 10:14

Jesus, forgive me for being so self-focused, trying to prove my worth... I want to LET GO of that and just dwell in Your amazing Love for me so out of that place I can just BE, be who You intend and love others as You have loved me - HELP me!!!!

I walked to the Rose Garden...

Mark 8:22-26 Jesus, why did You lead the blind man out of the village to heal him, was it to have a private moment with You?

Yes, just like this private moment with you, My Eden, in this rose garden. You want to experience My love and know Me as intimately as a bridegroom tenderly and romantically knows His bride. Where better to woo you and desire you than in a rose garden? Just sit with me for a moment in the warmth of the sun/Son, in the quiet of My Presence and partake of Me, receive Me....

I see Jesus riding up to me on a white stallion as I am walking by myself toward the Rose Garden. He sweeps me off my feet and places me, oh so gently in front of Him on His horse as He wraps His warm strong arms around me and pulls me into Him. I see His strong, muscular arms holding me, arms that made the universe, arms that crated tables, chairs, homes. I feel incredibly safe. This is where I want to stay, always, so close I can feel His heart beating, beating for me! We get to the gate at the entrance to the garden and He dismounts and lifts me off and once again gently places me on solid ground. He opens the iron gate and invites me inside. I remember He IS the gate, inside to this holy place, the Holy of Holies where he wants to commune with me, only me. His eyes gaze deeply into mine...I feel tingly all over and it is as if He is seeing deeply into my soul. Tears spring to my eyes, I don't want Him to see that deeply into me, there is too much of my striving, false self that lives within. I turn away but He touches my shoulder and turns me back toward  Himself. I cannot look into His eyes and yet I can sense His loving gaze inviting mine to join His...and so I do.

He speaks into my heart...
How I adore you My love....

A deep gut-wrenching grief overwhelms me and my tears begin to flow....
I don't deserve You, Jesus. I so don't deserve You, You love, Your Presence...
He just listens, lovingly, knowingly, knowing how important it is for me to confess my sin, so He can forgive me, free me, cleanse me...
I try to find my worth in others affirmations of me, in what I do or know, even in boasting of my relationship with You (even if I only boast to myself in my mind).
I compare myself to others either priding myself how far along I am (conceit) or how less than another i am (deceit).
I strive to find my worth somewhere other than in You, my Lord, my Liege, why? Why do I seek anything outside of You?

He listens. He is silent and still, as am I. I drop to my knees before Him and bow my head in shame.

I see I am now at His Cross. He is before me, crucified, naked, ashamed, condemned, just as I am. Then, His blood drips on my head, flows down all over me, covering me completely...and He speaks to His Father .... Forgive her, she doesn't know what she has done...and even if she did, forgive her still....
And then He speaks to me....
Deitra, Eden, Hephzibah, I forgive you with all My heart. I gave My life for yours, THAT is how valuable you are...my lifeblood poured out on your behalf. The bread blessed and broken, the wine poured out...all for you. 

I look once again and now I see Jesus all in white and glowing, glorified. He's alive! He is resurrected from the dead. He invites me to resurrection as well...no words...just an inviting gaze into my eyes and straight to my soul. It is as if His laser focus is burning away the dross and going directly to my soul...and I know a deep knowing that I am healed, I am forgiven, washed whiter than snow, I am pure, cleansed, made new and I share a Oneness with the great I AM that cannot be described. It is as if in that moment of receiving His ultimate sacrifice for me that He enters in and we become ONE, bride and groom, an intimacy of body, soul, spirit and I am known to the core of my being...we become one essence. He lives in me, closer than my breath and I can rest forever in this truth, this intimacy, this oneness that completely fills me full and fulfills me. Right there, in the center of the Rose Garden.
I ask Him, "Was there a rose garden in Eden, my Love?"
Yes, My Delight, there was! And there is an even more beautiful one in Heaven and when you get there, That is where I will meet you.
And can there be some hydrangeas as well? You know how much I love blue!
Of course, He answers, more than you can even imagine!
I don't ever want to leave You, my Love, my Liege. I don't ever want to look anywhere else or to anyone else to know how loved I am but to You. To do so would be adultery.
Stay with me awhile then.... I am always with you. I never leave you. You just need to turn your eyes to Me and live in the present moment in My Presence to be with Me. Keep this picture in your heart so you can return to it/Me whenever you desire. Even though there are no roses blooming in this garden, when you sit with Me, I want you to think of My adoring, all consuming love for you whenever you smell any roses...literally and figuratively, meaning when you lively fully in the Present moment with Me. My sweet fragrance will alert you to My Presence with you.

And now Papa speaks to me:
You are My princess, the daughter of the Most High King. I created you for intimacy, oneness with My Son, the Prince. Therefore you are a double princess. born of royalty, born to be one with royalty to serve in My Kingdom, to serve My people. You do that so well My daughter. Do not let your self-focus get in the way of doing what I've called you to do. Go and sin no more....Keep your motives pure by keeping your eyes on Me, not on yourself or even on others. As you companion with My Son and His Spirit within you, you will walk resting, in a relaxed manner with Me, no longer needing the approval of others because You have Mine and that alone is enough. I am always enough for you. Others may speak into your life but I have the final say. Stay, dwell, abide in Me and My love for you.

Mark 8:26 Don't go back into the village on your way home.
Deitra, do not go back to your old thought patterns of comparison and  looking for approval as you companion with Me on your "way home" - walk more deeply the way of humility; I will show you how...when you have something exciting to share, a new insight or aha, share it first with Me! Delight in it with Me and let Me delight in it with you, affirm you in it. Only then will you know if and when to share it with another. It is not about never sharing. It is about your motive in sharing. If you find delight in Me with it first, you will quell the need to share from wrong motives, to find love and approval outside of Me. 

My Songline: Jesus, You First
My Lord, My Liege, My Love
You alone are my desire
Your love for me is as the roses scent
Wafting through my heart, my soul
You overcome me with Your grace
Your eyes penetrate with burning love for me
to the deepest part of my being
burning away the dross
making me pure
so I can experience the Oneness
You died to secure for me.
What other man....
would give everything He has
Speak with love in what He says?
Lay down His life to set me free
What other man would give His life for me?

Hidden Garden

I see my pride coming forth in wanting others to notice my spirituality or in comparing my level of spirituality to others (God, I hate to even admit that!). Forgive my pride in wanting to be accepted because i am so spiritual or have the correct perspective on things.  I don't want to live out of  this part of my false self. I want to be authentic with You about my doubts and disappointments. Pride show up in me as self-righteousness and hiding my real struggles from myself, God and others. Help me to be totally real with myself first and foremost and with You so I can be real with others.

Clouds can be a protection, from the intense burning rays of the sun that can make me hot or burn and blister my skin. Sometimes My mystery, your lack of understanding is how I protect your heart from further hurt. Faith is not certainty, but uncertainty and yet belief, not because you know the answers but because you know the One who does and thus you don't have to.  It is walking into the unknown with Me and trusting that you don't have to know because I do.

Practice Being Known
It's all about THE VIEW, isn't it? Yours....or Mine? Which will you choose? Will you give up yours so you can find Mine? Sometimes its as big as those huge red sandstone monoliths you see here in Colorado...other times it is My "hidden garden" like the one you see before you here at Glen Eyrie that you must search out to be with Me.

You are as a hidden garden, Eden, My Beauty....but I am asking you , inviting you to hide your beauty so that you may be all and do all only for the eyes of your Beloved, the One who longs for your entire desire and heart. Humility is your way home, so hiding your truthful insights from others behind My cloud of unknowing is one way to do that. I know you more than you know yourself...how often in a new group, you make yourself known and think it is about authenticity when really it is your false self yearning for acceptance and esteem when really you are just hiding your shame, your fear of unacceptability. But I love you just the same...love you so that your true self can shine forth to Me.

Lord, what does that look like? What are You inviting me into?

Like the short, spindly, dense, barren batch of trees in front of you, the deadness in you (false self, no life here) is twisted and vined, no life just barrenness, blocks your view of truth, you, Me.

I want to let that go...show me how...

By resting in me, being open to My gaze, letting go of the last vestiges of having to help, achieve, give the wise insight...silence, secrecy, valuing others above your self and finding your true worth in Me alone.
By being real with yourself about the negative and not just the positive. Don't rationalize or try to figure Me out - live My mystery in peace and in My Presence. Just BE. You are loved. You matter. You have so much to give the world and the hearts in it.

My response is by the grace of God, I am what I am.... I Cor. 15:10  I want to live fully into this. I am powerless to do so without You. I surrender my mental process, my desire for love, acceptance, value, affirmation and esteem outside of You. Purge out of me any dross that keeps me from wholeheartedly reflecting a pure image of You, God. Strip away my false self, help me die to my false self, create in me a clean heart O God. Renew my spirit with Your own!

"We must accept ourselves just as we are, if the Holy Spirit is to change us for the better."  Interior Freedom

written at LTML Facilitators Gathering April 8, 2013